A return to this internet void
Hello friend. It's been a while. I'm back and I'm talking again to this internet void.
A lot has happened, and I think I have improved a lot. I met a lot of people, some of which I now care deeply about. Perhaps too deeply though, for my need to connect and fear of connection creates a paradoxical state that I can't seem to get rid of. I feel like I like her a lot.. and I fear she feels the same way about me. I fear the responsibility of such as connection. Aren't simple friendships just much easier to maintain? And yet I can't get rid of this intense.. feeling. I have opened my self up some more and my life has definitely gotten much more fulfilling, but I now wish that I can just go back to the days when all relationships are clear and I had nothing to anticipate or worry about. The sad thing is that in ten years this would probably be nothing. This would all be a tiny fluctuation in the grand scheme of things.. And yet it feels so intense and meaningful.
This paradoxical mixture of passion and fear is what drove me back into this void. I see no way around this situation but to express it, knowing that someone somewhere on the internet would probably stumble upon this, this piece of text that barely makes sense and yet is more intimate than anything I've ever said to a person I know.
In a day and age when the value of human intelligence-- the merit at which I judged my own value-- is in a steady state of inevitable depreciation, when all humanity slowly realize the banality of our brains, perhaps the "thing" we should seek for is the human experience? I take pride in excelling in the realm of intellect, but in terms of sentience? I have put away my sentience for so long that I can barely articulate my emotions. But if all that makes me special are my instrumental values... what distinguishes me from all the vast majority of people in the world? A number on a piece of paper? I am no better at seeking intrinsic meaning than every other joe out there, and perhaps I should be glad and humbled by that.