Confusion & Distraction
I'm in a perceptual cycle of reacting to whatever is in front of me. Whenever that sense of urgency is gone, I no longer know what to do or how to allocate my time, and end up getting by, browsing HN, mindlessly consuming youtube, wondering about the uncertainty of all this. Then I would think about everything I should do, get overwhelmed by the sheer selection space of activities, and then end up back in numbness and inaction.
I thought outside guidance was perhaps the key to all this. I suppose I am wrong. Nobody else could decide for me, and the burden was on me to decipher a signal from this vast swarm of information, noise, and intentions.